How to transform perfectionism into resilience
About 30% of mothers suffer from perfectionism.
I get it.
I was a perfectionist.
How perfectionism can manifest
Often, perfectionism can be learned in a goal-oriented family where children are excessively praised for their achievements rather than their progress or efforts. There may be a genetic component to it as well.
For me, I believe it was a way for me to create safety and be acceptable. On the one hand, if I was “perfect enough” it would keep me safe from my father’s explosive outbursts. On the other hand, I equated perfection with being lovable.
Later, I thought my home had to be perfectly clean. How ridiculous! Especially when raising young children.
I held an impossibly high standard for myself, and expended and wasted a lot of energy.
My nervous system was imbalanced, I had addictive behaviors and I was very unhappy.
Even though that was a long time ago, this adversely affected my children. It’s been a healing journey for us, personally and as a collective.
The root of perfectionism
Perfectionism is a maladaptive coping skill, a manifestation of a wound to 1 of the 3 core basic human needs:
Am I worthy?
Am I lovable?
Am I safe?
When you base your value on external validation, there’s no amount of perfect that will help you feel worthy, safe or loved.
Ultimately, it’s about identity and self-love.
What can you do?
Do you experience perfectionism? Do you want to let it go?
Awareness is the first step.
Letting go of perfectionism
Early on my yoga path, tree pose was my teacher. I was practicing at a studio in the Flatiron District in Manhattan. Losing my balance and falling, without any negative consequences was liberating. My world didn’t fall apart.
When I began to recognize how keeping my home impeccably clean was a way to escape or avoid my own feelings of sadness and inadequacy, I began to treat myself with love and compassion. I chose the healing path of love.
It took years of yoga, therapy and healing practices to let go of a perfectly clean home as well as the desire to look good or be or do what I’ve been conditioned to be or do.
In letting go of my perception of others’ expectations, I’ve allowed myself the freedom to live according to my values.
After awareness, comes courage
Perfection means “to be whole”. It’s not about being flawless as I once mistakenly thought.
To let go of perfectionism requires courage.
Pregnancy is an ideal opportunity to begin take an honest look, without judgment or shame, at where and how perfectionism is showing up in your life. Thjrough various practices, you can begin to loosen its grip, consciously choosing to not pass this onto your children. Your courage and commitment during pregnancy breaks the generational cycle.
When you accept and embrace your flawed human condition, you cultivate acceptance and resilience.
To take a step towards allowing yourself to be your whole, beautiful, messy, joyful, wounded, growing, expanding, loving, creative and healing YOU is a gift you can give your children.